I've been doing a lot of Transformers stuff recently, but not much on He-Man...so after my usual weekend laziness, I'm going to start off this week with:The He-Man Toys You Never knew Existed.

And first off is one you _might_ have heard of, or at least have seen in the bottom of one of your friend's old toy bins. Sssqueeze was one of the many Snake Men, a villainous group who rarely did much and was made up of various snake characters. They usually did whatever Skeletor or Hordak told them anyway though; because I think King Hiss lost a game of Risk to the other two evil overlords or something. Squeeze had long bendy arms, making him vastly different from all other He-Man toys and thus every kid NEEDED HIM DAMMIT. I know I did. I didn't get him, but I still needed him. The arms in theory could wrap around a figure but they never really hooked right, but right on the money was Mattel, and they included that weird snake accesory which could help the arms hook together. Unfortunately they forgot rule #1...NEVER MAKE ANY FEATURE DEPENDANT ON AN EASILY LOST ACCESORY. So Squeeze always just ended up as the guy with long floppy arms who even our next useless fellow ousted in combat...

Riiight. Yes, the elephant man of Eternia runs wild! Snout Spout here came at roughly the same time as Rio Blast and Ninjor so you can sorta see why this acid trip was made. Snout Spout is apparently a man with an elephant head, or just a bad fashion sense. The head is roughly 3 quarters the size of the rest of his body, and has a real big trunk. He also has a jetpack, for some reason. You could shoot water out his snout, which was neat...but the snout wasn't very bendable and pointed down, thus Snout Spout's action feature was essentially making him "HEROIC MASTER OF LOOKING LIKE HE PEED HIS PANTS". I mean, even guys like Fisto and Man-E-Faces had to be laughing their asses off at this guy...I don't think he made it on the show, but I'm sure I'll receive a dozen e-mails proving me wrong. Anyway, the next one is a guy I barely remember...

SCAREGLOW! Ooooh! He's ooky and spooky and he glows, sorta. I believe this was Skeletor and Evil-Lyn's illegitimate child, who I know was in one of those little comics(which I only have about half of) and I think was maybe on the show once. His big thing was that his skeleton showed. Apparently it was meant to scare the bejeebers out of the good guys and win the day...but when the good guys have folks like Mekanek and Snout Spout rallying behind them, it's gonna be tough to give them the jitters by having an endoskeleton, even with the obligatory little crack on the skull. Scareglow was somehow neat anyway though...he was always sort of a "general" for my evil forces, and even took command of Skeletor's crew once when Skeletor was thought dead!(He-Man and Skeletor's most epic battle ever was on my second floor windowsill overlooking a sidewalk, and Skeletor lost with predictable results. So until I bugged enough to get a NEW Skeletor, Scareglow led the troops and was REAL mean and stuff! And eh glowed sometimes! OOOOOH!

Extendar, the half brother of Mekanek! Well, probably not. But he was much better! Cause he was in medeival-esque armor! And he extended...in many places. His arms, legs, next, and I think midsection extended...which makes me wonder what e...nevermind. Sure, his weapon was dopy and he really wasn't very useful in combat; but who cares? He was shiny and new and he extended! For some reason there were two toy features that made kids flip...things involving rope/string and extending stuff. I know for a fact I bought EVERY SINGLE GI Joe that had a grappling hook thing with string attached based solely on the merit of the grappling hook with string attached. They tended to package this neat device in with characters you otherwise wouldn't buy, like 'Lifeline'. Anyway...Extendar could become Eternia's greatest basketball player at will, and maybe whether or not everything is extendable is one of those SECRETS Castle Grayskull apparently holds.

SEE! They're not Rock-lords goddammit! These things are the Dino-Orbs, a last ditch effort by Mattel to throw something that transformed into the He-Man line. Roughly half of them weren't dinosaurs, but otherwise the name was good because they all transformed into incredibly useless ovals. I guess there were supposed to be from the same planet as the two Rock People...who knows, who cares. You might have had these, or at least seen em...but even I didn't figure out they were He-Man stuff until the height of my toy-collecting days. Regardless, they still occupy the same crate as broken Battle-Beasts and old Terminator figures.

Twistoid. OK, look. I'm a nerd. I've seen or heard of, like, every 80's cartoon toy ever. I know I'm not a he-man guru, but I know a lot about it...but still, WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS THIS?
I verified that it is a He-Man toy...and actually thinking back I remember seeing them in the stores, but c'mon...this thing is just odd. I'm assuming he goes spinning around and you attach the blade things to his head in the hopes of him crotch-shotting everyone within a few yards. I think the little orange piece is his perch and/or toilet. Hard to say.
Anyway, a prize to the first person who can A) Find/build me a fan-site all about Twistoid...or B) Writes me a Twistoid Fan-Fic.

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